Dealing with Depression and Anxiety.

I thought I would share a rather personal story with you, as I think that it could help some of you. So many people in the world are dealing with Depression and Anxiety, and most of the time they keep it hidden, which in my experiance is NOT a good idea. Also this post could be triggering to some people. So read this at your own risk. So I thought I would tell you about my experiance with Depression and Anxiety.

When I was fifteen, My mother was diagnosed with Cancer. In all honesty I didn't know what to do with my life. My first thought when I found out my mum had Cancer, was the thought that I was going to loose her, and being so close to her, I couldn't imagine my life without her. I tried to put on a brave face and help her out with things she needed, but over time, inside I was falling apart. I didn't want to tell anyone, because my mum was going through something much worse. Slowly I started getting worse. I didn't realise the hell I was spiraling into...

I began hating myself. I felt like a failure and I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, because I hated seeing the person staring back at me. I put a smile on my face when my family were around, but when I was alone in my room, It was a whole different story. I used to wait until my mum was asleep and then cry and scream into my pillow. I just felt like I wanted to dissapear. I had never felt that low before, and then in time I began to think about taking my own life. I couldn't bear the thought of living without my mum, so I came to the conclusion that if my mum's illness became terminal, then I would take my life, so I wouldn't be without her. I started hoarding my mother blood thinning medications, and I began to write my suicide letter, to leave for my grandparents. After a while I started listening to a lot of music. I would just put my headphones in, turn off the lights and lay there with the music blasting in my ears. I would listen to the band Train a lot. I have to say in my honest oppinion, Train's music saved my life. I know some people think this is over the top. But I think if I didn't listen to them, I don't know if I'd be here now!

After a few months of skipping school, hiding from everyone and just staying in my room all day Train's music really started getting into my brain. It made me realise that suicide was not the answer and to live my life and make my mother proud. So I put the pills back and I burned my suicide note so no body would read it. my Depression still lingered, even when my mother got the all clear from her Cancer. I couldn't shift it, no matter how hard I tried. I ended up having panic attacks, and I had no idea what was going on in my brain. At this point, I was working in a nursery, and the manager didn't understannd what was going on with me. I had told them I had Depression, but I don't think they understood the severity of the situation. One day she called me into the office and said "Your mum is better now, get over it". This is when I realised I couldn't work for them. I walked out of work and handed in my notice the next day.


 I remember one day I was sobbing, locked in my car, on the phone to my mum. I was telling her that I had no idea what was wrong with me, but I knew I needed help. She booked me an appointment with my Docter the next day, I spoke with him about how I was feeling, and answered some questions for him and he diagnosed me with severe depression. He put me on some anti- depressants, which in all honesty really helped. I know some people don't like the thought of taking pills, but they really did make a difference with me. My Mum said she could see a difference almost instantly. I have had some ups and downs with my depression, but having regular sessions with my Doctor, and taking anti-depressants have really helped me recover.

Now onto my experiance with anxiety.  Two years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Which is a Chronic pain and Chronic fatigue syndrome. But another commom symptom is Anxiety. I began to worry about EVERYTHING. I coudln't stop! It would take me hours to fall asleep as I couldn't shut my brain off, and I would wake up in the night and start worrying about anything and everything. I started turning into a hermit, I hated the thought of going outside alone, as I was scared my back would go, or my legs would give way. I was scared of driving for the same reason. It came to a point where my husband asked me if something was wrong, because I seemed different. I broke down and told him that I was worrying about everything and that I couldn't stop, and also I felt like such a failure and a bad wife. He told me to book a doctors appointment and ask for some help.

I ended up going to a counciller, It felt good being able to vent about my problems and worries to someone who wasn't biased to the situation. I remember walking out of my first session feeling so much better, but I would still worry. So I went back to the Doctors and asked if there was anything else they could do, they refered me to a Cognantive Behavioual Therapist, who would help me combat my anxiety. I think I had about 8 weekly sessions with her, and I have to say. I felt so much better, now I am feeling so much more free. I ended up getting a tattoo behind my right ear to commemorate this milestone. I got a feather, because to me it really symbolises being free to me. My CBT therapist told me to think about having a inner cheerleader in my head, praising me for doing good things, to make me feel less anxious, and that is what my feather symbolises.

My advice to anyone who has or thinks they have Depression or Axiety is to TALK TO SOMEONE. My mum would always tell me 'A problem shared is a problem halved' and I do really agree with this statement. Talking to someone really does make things better. You can talk to anyone, be it a family member or a teacher or a friend. Anyone. And if you feel you need help, make a doctors appiontment, they will tell you different ways to help you.

I really hope this helped at least one person, and to be honest it felt good to get it all off my chest. So thanks for reading. I will do some more personal posts. So I hope you enjoy this. Thanks so much, and talk to you soon!