Feeling Useless

I know that people might think that I am being too padantic and that I should look around and see that people are suffering a lot worse than me, and I do. But when you are stuck with an invisable illness, that doctors can't seem to diagnose. It's so hard to stay positive all the time. I try so hard, for my friends and family. But there are moments where I just want the ground to open up and swallow me. I just can't handle the pain sometimes, both mentally and physically. 

Right now I am writing this, on the brink of tears, upstairs as I don't want my husband to see the exstent of my pain. The last few days have been pretty bad. I would say a good 7 or 8 out of 10. On Tuesday my husband and I went to London for the day, I knew this would have repercussions, so we made sure I sat down and rested as much as I could. But I didn't know I would feel like this... I have had a constant headache since Wednesday, not the worst headache of my life, but after the first 24 hours or so, it starts to get you down. My legs have been in so much pain. I put this down to 1. my fitness not being on the level it used to be, which wasn't much to begin with and 2. because i tried to hard when I was in London. I feel like I have pulled both the calf muscles in my legs and my thighs are so tight its unreal. This is the worst at night, stopping me from sleeping. I also have been getting pain in my arms, which I haven't had for a while now. I take muscle relaxants, but they don't seem to be helping at the moment. The lack of sleep has been another horrible factor to me feeling the way I do right now. I am constantly exhasted, no matter how much sleep I get. I have read that people with conditions with symptoms like mine, rarely go into deep sleep, which is why they are tired. This is horrible, I have tried so many things to help me sleep, but nothing seems to help. 

Mentally my heart isn't in anything at the moment. I have found myself getting annoyed and snappy for little things, and I have little or no motiviation to do anything. I know that depression can do this to you, but I found that before this condition started I felt a lot better about things or myself. Now it just seems to be getting on top of me more. I have found that music is becoming a bigger part in my life again, as I feel like I can escape. my pets, husband and family help me out of this funk a little but it's so easy to get caught up in the mess that is depression and pain. The worst time is either when my husband is at work, and I am alone, or at night when he is asleep. I never want to wake him, because he has to deal with enough during the day, so he deserves a good night sleep. I often find myself getting teary eyed and having to go downstairs because I don't want to wake my husband. 

I know some people don't want to hear this, but I feel I just need to get this all off my chest so I can feel better. Lets hope that tomorrow is a better day. Again I am sorry for this rant.